


I'll Follow You Into the Dark

by forgetmenotjimmy



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, F/M, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving On, Therapy, Wakes & Funerals, s07e08 The Solution to Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Cruz’s plan doesn’t work and both Severide and Casey die in the chimney fire. Everyone is in shock, no one more than Severide and Casey, who wake up next to their bodies as ghosts. As everyone slowly recovers, the two have to figure out how to complete their unfinished business in order to move on. Predictably, it takes them a while to realise that their answer is staring them in the face.





	1. This Shouldn't Be Happening

Severide opened his eyes. He was confused. It was dark and quiet but despite knowing that something horrifying had just happened, or was still happening, he felt light, weightless. He pushed up, the weight of his o2 pack barely registering. He looked around; it looked like he was in a ruin – rubble and bits of ceiling and wall all around, some parts still on fire. The flames seemed to be dying down though…the chimney! It came back to him then: freezing when Boden called to evacuate, Cruz’s yell and the crushing weight pinning him, his team’s efforts to free him, Casey’s voice, ordering them to…Casey!

Oh God. Severide instantly began searching for his friend. He swivelled around, frantically looking for any sign of a turnoutcoat or helmet.

“Casey!” He called, stepping back to get a better view of the scene. Through the flickering flames and distant shouts, he heard a groan. Crouching down and focusing hard, he inched forward until he saw movement: an elbow emerging from a chunk of ceiling. He lunged forward and grabbed it. Again, he was struck by a feeling of feather-lightness as he pulled Casey up with hardly any effort.

Casey looked as confused as Severide felt but as soon as he recognised him, touched Severide’s chest in concern.

“You alright?” He croaked, half in question, half in relief. Severide huffed a laugh, though he recognised the feeling.

“Yeah, I’m good. You?” Casey nodded and then pulled up short.

“Cruz?” They snapped into action, calling and searching as the shouting from outside grew louder. Then Boden and the others were there, calling for them. “Severide and I are fine, chief. We’re still looking for Cruz-”

“Casey? Where are you?” Boden shouted as he moved some debris. Casey and Severide exchanged a look before Casey walked right up to the chief.

“I’m here.”

“Severide!” Tony yelled, walking right past his lieutenant.

“This isn’t funny guys.” Severide tried, his voice shaky as his stomach twisted viciously. It was then that he heard a PASS alarm, no…two or three. He checked his alarm and it wasn’t sounding.

“Cruz!” Otis’ shout caught all their attention and there as a rush of activity as they undug him. “I’ve got a pulse!” Otis confirmed excitedly and they got him on a backboard. Severide watched them, the fear inside him building as his mind worked at the puzzle. Something very wrong was happening. He saw Casey freeze a few feet away, looking down.

“Oh.” He said in a small voice Severide had _never_ heard from him.

“What?” Severide asked urgently. Casey didn’t look up or acknowledge his call, just stood stock-still, gaze fixed on something on the ground. Severide went over and his chest squeezed like a vice as he saw it too. It was Casey. He was lying upturned, oxygen mask broken and through the gap Severide could see his big, blue eyes were open and…lifeless. Dead. Casey was…but he was standing right next to him!

“What’s going on?” Casey slurred, sounding almost drunk. Severide didn’t have any answers. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Boden soon spotted…Casey…on the ground and shouted.

“Over here!” He raced over, pulling the body further out from the rubble and turning off the PASS alarm. Tearing the mask off completely, he hesitated on seeing Casey’s face but then began chest compressions anyway.

“Chief.” The standing Casey said sadly and Severide wanted to close his ears. He didn’t want to hear his chief desperately trying to save one of his men when…when it was too late. Severide avoided looking down, instead he stared at the Casey he could touch. Reminded of this fact, he reached out and squeezed Casey’s shoulder. Casey turned to him then, expression splintered. “I…” Severide felt tears build up behind his eyes and a lump develop in his throat. “You…where are you?” Casey asked slowly, dread heavy in his voice. Severide didn’t want to know, even as he’d already realised.

He’d been pinned under that chimney, if Casey hadn’t…What was he thinking? Casey couldn’t be dead! He must be having a nightmare or fever dream or something.

“This isn’t real.” He mumbled. Casey searched his face. People were moving around them, talking urgently, shouting orders and whispering prayers. Brett was suddenly crouching beside the body. She examined him and looked up tearfully at Boden.

“Chief.” Her voice cracked.

“No!” Boden snapped as he kept pounding on the unmoving chest.

“He’s gone.” She said more firmly, even as she blinked rapidly. There were distant sirens and Foster called for Brett over the radio. She glanced once more at Casey before stumbling out. Severide vaguely realised that they must be taking Cruz to the hospital. He should go with them, he thought. He should be with his man. Boden finally sat back, exhausted, eyes fixed on Casey’s face. Mouch put a hand on the chief’s shoulder and Severide looked away. A shout broke him out of his reverie.

“Severide!” Capp was hefting some large pieces of debris, Tony ducking down to help clear space. Hermann was saying something about further collapse but Severide wasn’t listening. His legs had brought him closer without him knowing and suddenly, he saw a flash of black-grey hair among the dust and ash. He wanted to turn away but something held him there.

After a few more minutes, they uncovered more of…it, and turned it over. It was him. At least, it looked like him.

“No.” Casey said quietly next to him. “This wasn’t meant to happen. You were meant to live…” He trailed off as another paramedic called time of death. “No!” Casey yelled at them. “He’s not dead!” He stalked around all the gathered people to better get at the man – who completely ignored him. “What are you doing? Shock him or something! He’s not-”

“Matt. I’m here.” Severide called but his old friend wasn’t listening, his voice had risen and he was almost screaming. Thoroughly disturbed by Casey losing his shit, Severide walked through the crowd and grabbed his shoulders. “Matt.” He said loudly, taking in Matt’s wide, desperate eyes.

“You’re not dead!” Matt insisted, though his voice cracked on ‘dead’. Still feeling queasy, Kelly breathed in deeply and said reassuringly.

“Whatever is going on, we’re going to figure it out. Together.” Calming a little, Matt blinked and said brokenly.

“What if…? What if we’re dead, Kelly? You were meant to live. This shouldn’t be happening.”

“Hey.” Kelly brought Matt in for a hug. He couldn’t think of anything reassuring to say so just rubbed Matt’s back. He closed his eyes and ignored everything else, focusing on the feeling of holding his friend in his arms. After recovering his composure, Matt coughed and pulled away with a familiar look for mild embarrassment. As Kelly felt equally as ashamed to show too much emotion, he couldn’t call out his friend so instead suggested they leave. Matt looked around at their friends, in various states of shock and gulped. 

Then he nodded and followed Kelly out of the place where they’d died.


	2. Lost In The Woods

They were both silent on the ride to the hospital, lost in their own thoughts, though every so often Matt would glance worriedly at Boden. He and Kelly had got into the back of the squad car during the procession, by wordless agreement they’d decided not to watch as 51 had brought their bodies out.

Disturbingly, they hadn’t been able to open the car doors, hadn’t been able to touch them without their hands slipping through and _into_ the car. Matt had stared at his disappeared hand for a moment before just walking forward so he was half-submerged in the car. Kelly would have laughed at Matt’s head sticking up through the roof if the sight didn’t make him want to be sick.

Eventually, they both managed to sit down in the back, Kelly reflexively reaching for the seatbelt before stopping himself. They’d waited silently until Boden had gotten in the front. Before starting the ignition, chief had taken a moment to compose himself, sniffing and wiping his eyes. Kelly thought he heard Matt whisper something but when he glanced over, Matt had turned his head and was looking out of the window. Boden then drove them to the hospital, turning off the radio halfway there. Kelly was glad as he’d been flinching at every mention of ‘officers lost’.

Once at the hospital, they followed their chief and joined the others in the waiting room. They ended up standing against the wall to stop people from walking through them. Kelly had yelped when it had happened to him and Matt had dragged him away from the gurney, looking like he was lost in the woods and the sun was going down.

The mood was rock bottom, hope for Cruz to pull through battling against the heavy weight of loss. When the doc came out to update them, Matt and Kelly watched silently from the back. He made it. He’d be out of commission for a while and might need additional surgeries to re-set his shattered knee but he was out of the woods. Everyone was relieved but it was still subdued.

Kelly noticed that Matt had slid down the wall and was crouching, head in his hands. There was a table edge poking through his shoulder. Gulping, Kelly breathed through the nausea and jittery feeling climbing up his limbs. He ached to talk to Stella, for her hand in his hair.

Reflexively, he looked around the waiting room and realised with a start that she wasn’t there. Had she been there before? Brett was missing too. Then Foster caught his eye as she left the room with purpose, looking at her phone. Glancing back at Matt unmoving on the floor, Kelly followed her, forcing himself to ignore it when people went through him. He caught up with her and stopped at the threshold of the on-call room, staring at the scene. April, Stella and Brett were on the bed, eyes red and tissues strewn around them. Foster announced shortly.

“Cruz is out of surgery. He’s got a good chance of a full recovery.” Brett sobbed and buried her head in Stella’s shoulder. Stella patted her friend’s shoulder mechanically, her gaze distant. April sniffed and cleared her throat.

“That’s good.” Foster looked uncomfortable, dithering at the door. Kelly pushed past her.

“Stella.” He called, unable to help himself. She didn’t react and the panic in his chest reached a shuddering climax. “Stella! I’m here!” He knelt down in front of her but her eyes stayed unfocused and dull. “Stella, baby. Please!” His voice cracked, all the anxious energy roaring to be released. “Look at me! I’m not going anywhere! I’m right here! Stella!”

…

When Matt looked up, he couldn’t recognise anyone in the waiting room. Kelly was gone. Panic gripped him. Where was he? Trying to calm down so he could think rationally, Matt breathed in deeply.

“Looking for your friend?” A voice asked. He snapped around and saw a little old lady beside him. She was looking right at him.

“Uh…”

“Just happened?” She asked bluntly. Matt found himself nodding. Looking sympathetic, she pointed across the room. “He went after the pretty paramedic, about 2 hours ago.” She turned away and went to sit by a shocked-looking man. She hovered her hand over his and Matt gulped, following her direction.

Out in the corridor, Matt hesitated. Then he wandered outside to the smokers’ area. He couldn’t see Kelly but found Otis on the phone. Still pale but looking calm, Otis was nodding.

“I love you too.” He said quietly. For a minute, Matt tried to work out whether he was talking to family or his girlfriend. No, he’d be speaking in Russian if it was family. What was his girlfriend’s name? Matt couldn’t remember. Otis hung up and took a long, shuddering breath. Matt’s heart ached suddenly.

Brian had come a long way since his first days as a candidate; he’d come back fighting from a serious medical condition and from being shot. He’d come back from this too, Matt knew, though he regretted that Otis would have to. Part of him wondered if he hadn’t mentored Otis enough. He’d given the man a lot support when he’d first become Lieutenant but then Otis had learned so quickly. There didn’t seem much more to teach him or help him with. Plus, his close relationship with Cruz seemed to help both of them be better firefighters.

Matt watched Otis clear his throat and go back inside. There were some other people around, but Matt felt achingly alone. It was pointless looking for Kelly inside, instead he headed for the ambulance lot. If 61 was still there he could hitch a ride back to the station. He couldn’t see it, though he did find the ambo for two stations over. Climbing in the back, he tuned out the chatter from the EMTs and tried not to think of anything.

…

April went back to work and Foster left to take the ambo back to 51 for the emergency cover crew. Brett called her parents at one point, stepping out and leaving Stella alone. With Kelly. Except that she didn’t know that. That thought was killing Kelly. _Not literally!_ He joked a little manically in his head. He didn’t know why he was holding in the crazy laugh – it wasn’t like she was going to hear it. Pulling back from his increasingly dark thoughts, he focused on Stella, taking in every detail of her face and hair.

God, he loved her so much. The door opened and Brett came back in, still looking miserable but a little more centred.

“He wouldn’t let me back in.” Stella said, a propos of nothing. Brett and Kelly stared at her. Brett sat back down slowly, not saying anything. “Boden.” Stella clarified after a moment. She blew out a breath. “Casey sent me with Otis to take the vic outside and Boden wouldn’t let me back in.” Kelly’s memories of the event were a bit fuzzy. He remembered hearing Stella’s voice telling him off, but it had been brief. Brett put a sympathetic hand on Stella’s shoulder. “I could’ve…I could’ve _done_ something!” Brett began rubbing her back as Stella’s voice started to shake. “I could’ve helped!”

“If you had gone in, maybe you’d be…” Brett trailed off, blinking hard. Gulping, she began again. “I know that Casey and Cruz did everything they could to get Severide out.” Kelly couldn’t listen anymore. He stood abruptly and reached for the door. He forgot about the going through things, staring at his wrist against the door.

“I should’ve gone back in!” Stella almost wailed and Kelly dove through the door, stumbling down the corridor without any clue where he was going. Finding a relatively quiet stretch of corridor he slowed down when a familiar voice cut through the roaring in his head. He turned and saw Dr Halstead talking to another doctor down the hall. Without any plan, Kelly walked up and tried to focus on the technical medical conversation. Slowly, he felt less overwhelmed as the obscure terms filtered into his consciousness.

He ended up following Halstead around for a while. It was still disconcerting when things or people went through him but eventually he stopped noticing and managed to achieve an almost zen-like state. Medical terms and important sounding orders flowed around him as Halstead went on his rounds. Hallways, faces and monitors all blurred into one big train of things and the echoes of his girlfriend crying faded.

After some amount of time, Halstead went to the break room and started talking about something personal with a co-worker. Feeling weird, Kelly left and returned to the waiting room. Only Otis remained; fiddling with his phone in one hand, though his gaze was empty and sightless. Matt wasn’t there. Kelly stood looking around for a while, mind blanking on where his friend could have gone…Maybe to see Cruz? But which room?

Going over to the nurses’ station, he managed to find the log book and see the room number. He took the stairs up and found it, but he only saw Chloe in there. Her eyes were red but she looked calm. No Matt. Kelly frowned. Where was he?

Maybe he’d gone home. Kelly stopped. Did Matt consider his apartment home now that Dawson had left for good? He’d crashed at Kelly’s a few times recently, maybe he’d gone looking for Kelly there.

Kelly looked over Cruz. He was pale and attached to a lot of wires but was unmistakably alive. _I know that Casey and Cruz did everything-_

Kelly shook his head to get rid of Brett’s voice and stalked out. He ended up getting a bus home, staring out at the city to try and be distracted from his thoughts.

…

For some reason, he’d thought vaguely in the back of his mind that he’d feel better at 51. That maybe being there would somehow wake him up and he’d be back in his office. Standing on the quiet floor, looking at the empty squad table, an unease crept over Matt’s skin. Despite _knowing_ that it wouldn’t help, he went further in. There were the usual sounds coming from the office; the copier, rustling of paper, someone on the phone. He strode into the break room and stopped. No one was there. Skin crawling, Matt gulped. His lieutenant brain supplied that the rigs must have been taken out of service until cover could be arranged. Was Boden doing it?

Matt walked to the chief’s office on autopilot. It was empty. This had been a terrible idea, he thought, where is everyone? At home probably. His throat constricted. Where was his home? Maybe he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. What with being dead and all.

After a moment, he made his way to his office. He sat down in his chair and tried not to notice how odd it felt being there in his turnout coat and helmet. He considered taking them off but the fear of not being able to stopped him. Worse, what if he did take them off and they disappeared?

Thinking about it set his heart racing so he closed his eyes. If he concentrated, he could still smell the paper on his desk and the detergent he used on his bed sheets. His mind automatically went back to his to do list from that morning. There were some order forms he needed to sign, the personnel evaluations were coming up so he’d been meaning to review his notes and then he needed to write up the incident report.

He opened his eyes at the realisation that he wasn’t going to write that report. He wasn’t ever going to write another report again. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking. Clenching them into fists, Matt stood up and walked out of his office, slipping into Kelly’s. It was also empty but Matt didn’t slow down as he went over to the bed and lay down.

With trepidation, he carefully eased off his helmet and let out a long breath as it did come off his head. Holding it firmly in his hands, Matt tried to relax into the sheets; focusing on the comforting smell and not on the disturbing lack of sensation of touch against his skin. He lay there for a long time.

…

After getting too frustrated from being unable to call the elevator to wait for someone else to do it, Kelly climbed the many, many flights of stairs to his apartment. At least he didn’t seem to tire. At last he reached his apartment and clenching his jaw, just walked right through his front door.

“Casey?” He called. No reply. Sighing, he made to walk further in when he heard a noise. He froze and his whole body felt electrified when someone stepped out into the room. The person saw him and stopped. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“Dad?”


	3. Shock

“Kelly? What?” Benny Severide trailed off, taking in Kelly’s turnout gear, dirty face, the fact that he could see him… “No.” He breathed. Kelly felt pressure behind his eyes. Benny looked exactly the same as he always did. “What happened?” Voice scratchy, Kelly forced out.

“Got pinned. Caught in a flashover.” His father put a hand of his forehead, eyes wide. “Dad.” Kelly repeated, stepping closer. “I’m sorry about…” Breathing out unsteadily, Benny shook his head and staggered forward.

“Come here.” They hugged. “I’m sorry too. I’ve spent these few weeks kicking myself.” They stood in that embrace, apologising to each other until Benny breathed in deeply and pulled back. “You’re so young.” He blurted involuntarily.

“Casey’s younger.” Kelly replied without thinking, after a second his heart twisted at the memory of Matt’s empty, dead eyes. Benny’s expression softened as he understood.

“Oh Kelly.” Kelly opened his mouth to explain that Matt died trying to save him but the words wouldn’t come. “Here, sit down a minute.” Benny lead him to the sofa, Kelly lost track of how long they sat there, still reeling from seeing his dad again. So many questions swirling around his head, too fast for him to hold on to any of them. Finally, he asked.

“Have you been here, all this time?” ‘Since you died’ is what he meant; what he couldn’t bring himself to say.

“Yeah.” Benny confirmed softly. “You…I wanted to say how proud I am of you.” Kelly looked away, clearing his throat. Benny sighed. “I’m sorry that it took…this,” he waved an arm around, “for me to say it.” His voice wobbled. “I still- God, Kelly, this is…this is hard to take.” Kelly felt a hand on his wrist and turned it so he could hold his dad’s hand. He closed his eyes and breathed.

Much later, Benny straightened up and exclaimed.

“Casey.” Kelly came to and looked around. Lo and behold, Casey was standing in his living room. He was staring at Benny.

“Mr Severide.” He said in that overly formal tone he always used with his friends’ parents. Though there was also a question in his tone. Letting go of Kelly’s hand, Benny said sincerely.

“I’m sorry this happened to you.” Casey stared at him a bit longer before starting.

“Yeah, uh, I’m sorry for you too.” Benny accepted the awkward words gracefully and Kelly suddenly felt like laughing at the absurdity of the situation. He tamped down on the urge, sneaking a peek at Casey’s face helped. Although he looked more centred and sure of himself, he still hadn’t regained his confident Captain stance. Kelly could tell that his dad’s presence definitely wasn’t helping and the question of whether Casey’s dad was still kicking around crossed his mind.

Suddenly, Kelly recognised Casey’s slightly pained expression – he was thinking the same thing.

“So, what happens now?” Kelly asked in an attempt to distract everyone from that. Benny shrugged.

“Not sure, kid. I’m still new to this too. As far as I can tell, some people go immediately, some linger for a while. Couldn’t tell you why.” Kelly saw Matt gulp and he felt the same uncertainty and trepidation. Well, at least they weren’t alone. Thoughts of Andy and Shay flashed in his head. Matt beat him to it, asking.

“Have you…seen anyone else? Since you…”

“Kicked the bucket?” Benny finished bluntly. Over Matt’s awkward nod he shook his head. “No one I know anyway.” He glanced between the other two before suggesting. “How about I show you how I’ve been spending my time?”

He took them to the docks. There was a little pier with only a few boats attached. They sat on the end and watched the sunset. “Can’t eat or drink anything but the view’s still the same.” Kelly sat shoulder to shoulder with his dad, cherishing the touch. Matt sat perpendicular to them on the left side of the pier, turned slightly way. Kelly thought about reaching out to hold his arm or shuffling to make room at the end, but he held back. He wasn’t sure why.

Maybe it was memories of Andy bringing back the old enmity which hadn’t been resolved as much as packed away and forgotten; or maybe it was his guilt over causing his best friend’s death. His last best friend – Andy and Shay had already moved on apparently. Everything was so messed up, he thought, as the last rays of the sun faded.

“We should get inside.” His dad said eventually. “The crazies come out at night.” He explained as they made their way back to Kelly’s. Benny had only encountered a small number of ghosts since his death. Most had been recent but – as one had told him – the older ones all lost their minds. “Apparently there’s a few pilgrim trains that wonder up and down the country. Now we can’t exactly kill each other again, but ghosts can still hurt each other. You’d think that Death would bring people closer together.” He commented, shaking his head. Kelly glanced at Matt – who seemed more alert after hearing that information – but remained silent. He hadn’t said anything since asking about other ghosts.

Not that Kelly was paying that much attention. Benny kept up a flow of stories, old and new, and Kelly made an effort to follow along and engage. He’d been given a second chance with his father – he’d be a fool to waste it. “To be honest, now don’t judge me,” Benny held his hand up in warning, “but I spent some time ‘visiting’ people I used to know.” Kelly read between the lines, feeling a little uneasy, thinking about his dad watch him mourn. He remembered seeing Stella cry and his stomach clenched.

Suddenly, he thought about his mom. Oh God. He stopped walking. Why the Hell hadn’t he realised before now? She’d just lost her son. Benny and Matt stopped too, looking confused.

“Mom.” He croaked out.

“Was she still in town?” Matt asked practically.

“No.” Benny answered. “She went back home.” He looked very grave. “She’ll come back to Chicago…” Kelly turned away. This was Hell. He could see her expression in his mind, hear her cry. She didn’t deserve to go to two funerals so close together. To lose so much so quickly. “She has a good support network.” Matt said, closer than before, his voice gentle but firm, like Kelly was a goddamn vic who was panicking on the aerial. Benny added.

“She’s strong. She’ll make it through.” Kelly didn’t voice the thought that people had said that about him – and look what had happened.

“We’re almost at yours.” Matt said into Kelly’s silence. “She’ll probably go there tomorrow.” Then a hand was on his shoulder and he glanced up briefly, Matt’s concerned expression burning into his consciousness against his will. He started walking again and excused himself to his room when they got to his place.

He lay on his bed and grimaced at his helmet digging into his head. He tore it off angrily. It flew through the wall and he was too wound up to care if he ever saw it again. Swallowing down an enraged yell, he clenched his fists and stared daggers into the ceiling.

…

In the morning Benny told him that Matt had left to see his sister but that he’d return later. They spent the day mostly in silence, waiting. Finally, the front door opened. It was Stella and Hermann.

“In the office desk, you said?" Hermann was asking. Stella nodded silently, taking in the room. Kelly and Benny watched her as Hermann slipped into the office. She looked worse than the day before; judging by the bags under her eyes, she hadn’t slept. Kelly longed to touch her, to hold her in his arms and kiss her frown line away. He held himself back though, knowing that he’d just fall through her. The thought was nauseating and he had to take some breaths to steady his stomach.

Hermann came back with a folder Kelly recognised as his will and financial papers. After Benny’s funeral, Kelly had decided to get his things in order whilst he was still in admin mode. He’d met with his lawyer and settled everything, putting the folder away in his desk, not even thinking about how long it would be until it would be taken out again.

Hermann regarded Stella, who was still standing in the middle of the room.

“If you want, me and chief can handle all this.” Coming out of her reverie, Stella shook her head.

“No, it’s okay.” Her voice was hoarse. Kelly’s heart ached. Hermann nodded tentatively.

“Okay, well, we’ve got a few hours till we can see the lawyer. I was thinking we could swing by the hospital-”

“Okay.” Stella agreed and immediately turned to leave, sniffing quietly. Expression sad and sympathetic, Hermann followed her out. Kelly found himself joining them – as painful as seeing his love was; it was better than waiting around in his apartment. Benny came with them, Kelly grateful for his company and for once, he expressed it. Benny smiled.

“Glad I could help, kiddo.” He replied warmly.

…

Matt walked into his sister’s living room and stopped short. Sylvie was there. Christie came in with two cups of tea.

“A friend’s really into chai. She got me hooked.” She swallowed. “Helps soothe the nerves.” Sylvie accepted her cup gratefully and thanked her in a quiet voice. A little perplexed, Matt sat down in the armchair in the corner. He hadn’t had a clear idea of what he wanted from seeing Christie – it just seemed better than intruding more on Kelly’s time with his dad. He hadn’t been sure how his sister would react to…the news.

Although they’d been estranged for many years, they’d been spending more time together since his divorce, bonding more over their failed marriages – talking about what had gone wrong, whether they ever wanted to try again. Christie had dated since Jim had left but no one had stuck. She’d confessed to Matt that she didn’t know if she’d ever feel ready to give that much of herself to someone else again.

“I felt the same way after Hallie died.” Matt had said sympathetically. Christie had made a guilty face then, though Matt had refused to let her apologize for that tragic event in his life. Watching Christie and Sylvie drink their tea in awkward silence, he wondered whether Hallie had lingered.

Had she watched him teetering on the edge of insanity, nearly careening into Death himself through his thirst for vengeance? Had she seen him crying on Gabby’s shoulder? Had she seen him push his grief down and open his heart again? He hoped not.

“You said your mother lives across the city?” Sylvie broke the silence.

“Yes. She’s with a friend now. She should be coming over before…” Christie trailed off. Sylvie went on.

“Well, Severide’s mom is due in later today. Stella said Severide left instructions for his funeral service so if Matt didn’t…?” Christie shook her head.

“I spoke to the lawyer earlier – there aren’t any requests.” Her lip curled a little. “Not that I expected he’d want to trouble anyone.” Sylvie shared her half-smile before saying shakily.

“Well, I think whatever’s good for Severide would be good for Matt too.” Christie swallowed and Matt itched to put a hand over hers. Sylvie did it for him and Matt thanked her. Neither woman heard him. Christie smiled a little though and after a moment asked.

“You said you were at the scene?” Sylvie blinked back tears and nodded bravely. “Did he…was it quick?”

“The M.E. said that he died from smoke inhalation, he would have been unconscious from the blast so he wouldn’t have felt anything.”

“I didn’t.” Matt confirmed, absurdly feeling like a little kid being ignored by the adults. Christie didn’t seem to be comforted, in fact, her face crumpled and she put a hand over her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” She sobbed. Sylvie shuffled closer, putting an arm around her. “I knew his job was dangerous, that other firefighters had died, like his friend. But he’s…he was my baby brother. When our dad died I promised that I’d look after him – but I didn’t!” Sylvie rubbed her back soothingly but Matt could see tears in her eyes. She managed eventually.

“I can’t imagine Matt letting anyone take care of him.” Christie sniffed.

“No, not even when we were kids…but he was 15. I was in college and he told me to stay in school, that he was fine on his own. And then we fought about mom’s parole, for years! So much time lost.” Sylvie reminded her.

“But you made up. Matt talked about you and Violet all the time.” Matt frowned, trying to recall anytime he’d mentioned any of his family to her. Christie didn’t dispute that though, instead bringing her arms up and hugging Sylvie back. Matt felt like crying himself but the tears wouldn’t come. Sylvie cleared her throat and said. “I’m going to his apartment later, look for some photos for the service – with your permission of course.” Christie nodded. “Is there anything from there that I can pick up for you?” Matt didn’t know if they’d read the Will yet, but apart from his savings and any remaining funds after his construction company had been liquidated, he hadn’t left anything specific to anyone.

Christie took a deep breath in.

“I’ll come with you – let me go and get Violet.” She left and Matt looked at Sylvie, still puzzled as to why she was there, but grateful.

…

The next few days, Matt and Kelly followed their loved ones around, watching as their joint funeral was arranged. They hardly spoke – too wrapped up in grief and guilt to be anything but awkward around each other. Kelly was taking full advantage of spending time with his dad. They had a lot of conversations – some difficult but necessary, and a long time coming.

Meanwhile, Matt thought about his own family’s ghosts. His mom and sister still didn’t bond, not even over their grief. Instead of bringing them together, his death seemed only to have provided another point of conflict. He heard Christie remarking to one of her friends that Nancy Casey had always been a cold fish and her lack of tears over her only son’s death was further proof. Matt hadn’t been bothered by his mom’s stoic mourning, seeing the pain in her eyes. Absently, he wondered if Christie had thought poorly of his reaction to their father’s death all those years ago. He had cried, but only when alone.

He was glad, however, to see how close Violet and Christie were – hearing Christie comforting her daughter and telling her the good times of their shared childhood was a little comforting for Matt too.

To distract himself from all the resentment and discord, he put his mind to the Sylvie puzzle. They’d always been friendly and had shared some supportive moments since Gabby had left, but she seemed to be taking his death really hard. At least, he thought it was him and not Severide she was mourning. There was even less reason for her to be struggling to deal with Severide dying. Unless something had happened between them that Matt didn’t know about…

It felt wrong to eavesdrop but it wasn’t like anyone would ever know and he couldn’t announce his presence in any way. So he followed Sylvie around the day before the funeral. When around other people, she seemed to be sad but okay. It was when she was alone that Matt began to worry. He recognised the signs of depression: not eating enough, disturbed sleep, listlessness, neglecting self-care. She’d had a bout of crying alone in her car. Matt had ached to help her, to be able to say something, anything, even just to offer a shoulder to cry on.

Day 5 of being dead and he was already beyond frustrated with it. Worst of all, Kelly was avoiding him. It wasn’t like Matt was trying that hard to have a one-on-one conversation but of the few times they’d ended up alone together, Kelly had bailed with a lame excuse – or no excuse – every time. As if Matt didn’t feel guilty enough for letting him down, failing to save him.

He contemplates the odds of his human shield plan working. If Cruz had left when Matt had ordered him to, if he’d got into position over Kelly, could Kelly have survived? Another question which haunted him was what if he’d agreed to help Cruz sooner? Would they have been able to lift the chimney off Kelly and carry him to safety? Could all of them been saved? If only he’d listened to Cruz earlier?

Either way, Kelly’s death and Cruz’s debilitating injuries were on him. He didn’t blame Kelly for avoiding him. Between watching his mom and sister break further apart and Sylvie grieving in secret, Matt visited Cruz in his hospital bed.

One small ray of sunshine through the storm clouds was the fact that Matt was rarely alone in his vigil. Chloe, Otis, Cruz’s family and 51 members were almost always dropping in. He was currently pretty out of it due to the strong pain medication and hadn’t been coherent long enough for anyone to try and break the news. Matt’s insides clenched as he pictured how Cruz would take the news that he’d been the only survivor; that despite his best efforts, both his Lieutenant and his Captain had died.

A further twist of the metaphorical knife – Matt had no way of telling Cruz that it wasn’t his fault. Forgiveness from the CFD, 51, even the church, would do little to nothing to soothe the guilt which would plague him when he woke. Every day they kept him insensible, Matt felt guiltily grateful.

…

The day of their funeral came – after what seemed like an age and no time at all. Kelly had lain beside Stella all night, watching her sleep fitfully or stare at the ceiling – hoping fruitlessly that she felt his presence in some way, anyway.

At the church, Kelly was surprised by how many people there were. He knew most of them, figuring that the few, unfamiliar faces must belong to Matt’s friends or family. There was also some top brass there. Through overheard conversations, Kelly gathered that the story had caught some media attention and they were both up for posthumous medals of valour. Cynically, he thought the brass were there to get their faces in the paper.

Then he saw Grissom and his theory about his former mentor was tested. There seemed to be genuine grief on Grissom’s face and Kelly regretted ending things the way they did. He watched the man talking solemnly to his mom, the gruff voice cracking slightly. Kelly had to look away and was surprised to see Matt beside him.

Since the fire, Matt had been in and out – Kelly wasn’t sure where he was going when he wasn’t around, guiltily glad of it. Every time he saw Matt’s ash-dusted face, his mind showed him memories of Matt’s body in the rubble – his eyes empty and lifeless. Kelly was only just able to visit Cruz in hospital, facing the man, the friend, who he’d essentially killed, was almost impossible.

So he didn’t say anything. Matt didn’t speak either and after a while he drifted away.

“Good turnout.” Benny whistled from behind Kelly. He turned to see the complicated expression on his father’s face.

“Well, there’s two of us…and we were on active duty.” Benny shifted a little uncomfortably.

“You deserve every medal and accolade.” Kelly swallowed. How could he tell Benny that he’d frozen in that house? That he’d got himself pinned and risked everyone trying to free him. That Matt…

Subconsciously, his eyes found Matt in the crowd. He was standing next to Brett, looking at her worriedly. Kelly frowned before shaking his head. Whatever was happening, he didn’t want to get involved.

The service felt awkward and excruciatingly long, at least to Kelly. Boden and Grissom made speeches about their bravery and heroism and how good they’d been as people. Kelly very deliberately did not look anyone in the eye. Though he heard sniffs and the discrete blowing of noses. There hadn’t been any empty seats so he, Benny and Matt were standing to the side. He felt a hand on his shoulder. His dad, looking like he understood exactly how Kelly was feeling. The attempt at solidarity didn’t help but Kelly reigned in his frustration and managed to make it through the ceremony.

After all the hymns, speeches and ceremonial ‘fanfare’, everyone went back to Boden’s for the wake. Kelly left Benny listening in on some of his old buddies and went to look for Stella. Matt intercepted him, asking bluntly.

“You seen Sylvie?” Kelly shook his head, momentarily distracted from his goal by Matt’s pinched expression. “I’m worried about her.” He explained shortly before darting back into the crowd. Kelly blinked and then gathered himself, continuing to look for Stella.

Eventually he found her outside with Hermann. They weren’t talking, just sitting quietly. Stella was twisting something in her hands, though it looked subconscious, her gaze distant. Hermann looked down and said gently.

“Stella. I think it’s all scrunched up enough now.” Startled, she followed his nod and stopped. Uncurling her fingers revealed a funeral program; Kelly could just see his face through the creases. He willed Hermann to say something comforting. “You believe in God?” Hermann asked. Stella shrugged. Hermann put a hand over one of hers. “Well, despite all the horrors in the world, I do. And I know he’s taken Severide and Casey into his arms. They’re looking down now.” Stella turned to look at Hermann, scepticism struggling with vulnerability. She wanted to believe it, Kelly could read it on her face.

In the end, she just thanked Hermann and held his hand.

…

“The least you could do is ring me back!” Sylvie was barking angrily into her phone. Matt paused at the threshold of the room, his instincts telling him to back up and give her some privacy. He took a step back as Sylvie continued. “I know that you’ve moved on now but you didn’t have to cut us out of your lives like that. I thought we were friends, partners. But all I get is a note on an old photo and _no_ reaction when I tell you…” She took a shuddering breath. “When I tell you that Matt’s dead.” She blinked back tears and Matt’s stomach constricted. “Not even a text. That’s cold, Gabby, that’s real cold.” She seemed to have run out of steam, closing her eyes and sighing. “Goodbye, Gabby.” Matt watched her, stunned, as she hung up and put her phone away in her bag.

He hadn’t considered how Gabby would take the news. As Sylvie had said, Gabby had severed ties so completely, he’d considered her part of a closed chapter of his life. Watching Sylvie frown and huff at the floor, he thought he understood her reaction better. If Gabby wasn’t going to reply to the news…He guessed Sylvie hadn’t completely gotten over Gabby’s abrupt departure.

Foster appeared and Matt hoped Sylvie would open up to her, start to process all of it and move on for good. Foster crossed her arms a little awkwardly as she regarded her partner.

“Who was that?” Sniffing, Sylvie sat on a chair and indicated for Foster to take one too.

“You know my old partner is Matt’s ex?” Foster’s eyes widened but she nodded encouragingly. “She left suddenly. I’m not even sure why. She never said goodbye and I thought I’d gotten over it but…I left her a message, telling her that Matt was dead and she hasn’t replied! It makes me so mad. _She_ was the one who left us without warning, and here I am expecting her to show some common decency-” At that point Sylvie choked on her anger, fists shaking with it. Matt couldn’t quite believe that sweet Sylvie had unleased such a scathing diatribe. Foster also looked taken aback but she recovered quickly.

“I’m sorry, that…really sucks. Though maybe she just hasn’t…”

“I sent her texts too – ones I can see that she’s read.” Sylvie bit out, brow creased. Foster closed her mouth, frowning as well. When she spoke again, Sylvie’s voice was softer, sadder. “He deserved better.” Matt blinked, confused. Fostered looked like she understood but Sylvie wasn’t done. “He was one of the best people that I know and he just…I used to look at their relationship and think it was perfect but now I see that he gave her so much and she took and took.” She sniffed hard. “And he was just getting over her, when…it’s not fair!” Tears were streaming down her face and Foster leaned over to hug her. Matt swallowed and slipped away.

Walking on autopilot, his mind raced. It wasn’t like he hadn’t gone over and over where his and Gabby’s relationship had broken down; questioning everything he’d thought he knew. It wasn’t as if he’d never felt drained and spent when they’d been together. He knew that relationships took work to maintain but some days it had seemed so hard. Guilt had warred with relief when she’d left.

Considering Sylvie’s view, he couldn’t agree that Gabby had never given him anything back. She’d supported him through a lot of things: his political campaign, Christie’s divorce, his mom’s parole hearing…he felt like she’d had his back. At least. In the beginning.

Well, it didn’t really matter anymore. Part of him was touched by Sylvie’s concern for his memory, how he’d felt; the rest of him was embarrassed and hoped she’d recover quickly. He found himself in the kitchen and caught sight of Benny mingling with some retired firefighters. Gritting his jaw, he decided enough was enough.

He turned and went home. To his first home.


	4. Answers

It was obvious that some other family lived there now. There was a sad-looking basketball hoop over the garage door and a beat-up four-by-four parked in front of it. A little apprehensive about running into this new family – even though they wouldn’t see him – Matt made his way inside. The décor was different but the layout was exactly as he remembered it. On a hunch he went to what used to be his father’s den. He stopped short at the threshold, breath catching.

Sitting in an armchair, staring at an empty space where there used to be a TV, was his father. He looked exactly the same; dirty blonde hair hanging slightly over his forehead, sharp blue eyes Matt had inherited, shoulders hunched over. Matt stared, frozen in place; anxiety and guilt and fear snaking inside him. Greg Casey didn’t move, not seeming to notice his son’s presence. Swallowing, Matt cleared his throat and said tentatively.

“Dad.” Greg blinked and dragged his gaze up. Slowly, his eyes focused, Matt’s nerves jangling wildly.

“Whatcha doing in my house?” Greg asked aggressively.

“I…” Matt’s throat locked. Greg glared.

“Ain’t no fire here! Clear out!”

“Dad. It’s me. It’s Matt.” Greg squinted at that. Matt removed his helmet hurriedly, heart in his throat. Greg stared at him and began mumbling. Matt crept closer cautiously, worried by the lack of recognition. “I’m your son. Do you remember me?” He recalled Benny talking about old ghosts who’d lost their minds. How long was too long? God, it had been 20 years now. 20 years since he’d answered the front door to the police and the terrible news.

“My boy’s small, a runt.” His father argued. Ignoring the old complaint, Matt took a step closer.

“I grew up. I’m a firefighter now, a Captain.” Greg was shaking his head, still talking lowly.

“He’s just a boy. The bitch coddles him, won’t ever learn to wipe his own ass.” Taking a deep breath, Matt knelt down and looked up at his father who was ranting under his breath. Putting on his first responder head, he assessed the man in front of him. Despite not needing sleep, he looked tried – face grey with bags under his eyes. He was incoherent, not responding to external stimuli. If Casey was assessing a victim, he’d diagnose shock or a psychotic break.

The question was; did he have periods of lucidity where they could have a meaningful conversation? The longer he looked up at the new-old face, the less likely Matt thought that was. What had he even been expecting? That his dad had been waiting patiently for him? That he’d apologise profusely for all the hurt, all the _years_ of emotional abuse, the way he beat Matt’s mom down day after day until she’d snapped and ended him? That finally, he’d tell his son that he was proud of him – that he was worth something after all?

Feeling like a child, Matt cursed himself as tears welled in his eyes. Miraculously his dad was here after all this time and he would still never get the approval, the love he desperately craved.

“You shouldn’t be here.” The change in Greg’s voice snapped Matt out of his thoughts. He looked his dad in the eye and was taken aback by the intensity of his gaze – and the intent there.

“Dad?” His voice cracked, head a whirl.

“There’s nothing for you here.” Greg said firmly and Matt felt all the air in the room disappear. There was no anger, no judgement, just a plain, sad truth. Matt squinted, trying to work out if his dad’s ghost recognised him or was just kicking him out. A pale hand stretched out and pushed him, hard. “Go.” Greg ordered as Matt fell back on his elbows. After a beat, Matt picked up his helmet and stood. Clutching the rim of his helmet in his hands, he backed up reluctantly. Greg Casey turned back to his invisible TV and Matt Casey put his helmet back on as he left.

…

Exhausted, Matt returned to Kelly’s place. He didn’t really want to face his friend but another part longed for Kelly’s quiet support. His mere presence would soothe Matt’s messed up head. It was early enough by the time he arrived but Kelly wasn’t there. Benny was, watching his ex-wife and her friend sipping coffee in the living room. Benny looked up when Matt came in – eyes narrowing. Benny Severide had never particularly warmed to Matt, for a reason which always escaped.

“Kelly’s with his girl.” Benny explained shortly. Matt nodded in thanks for the information.

“Ah, uh, her place?” Benny stood and walked over, shoulders squared; Matt’s posture straightened automatically in response to the imminent challenge.

“Listen Casey, Kelly’s trying to deal with this the best he can and you have your own things to take care of so, it’d probably be best if you just take a big, step, back.” Irritated by Benny stepping in where he wasn’t wanted and blocking Kelly from him, Matt snapped.

“If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

“Alright,” Benny lifted his chin even more, “you walk around like you’re some kind of big shot. Oh Captain Casey, poster-boy for firefighters everywhere and all round good guy. Well, I got news for you: Kelly does everything you do and he doesn’t toot his own horn.” Unimpressed, Matt crossed his arms and Benny’s eyes flashed. “You got my son killed. You failed him. Some friend you are.” Matt’s throat tightened.

“I did everything I could-”

“It wasn’t enough. You failed. I don’t want you around my son, stopping him from moving on.”

“That’s not your decision to make.”

“No, but if you’re half as good as everyone thinks you are – you’ll do the right thing and leave.” After one last glare, he turned his back and returned to sitting with his ex-wife. Matt stared after him for a long moment before exhaling shakily and leaving.

…

Stella was talking to someone on the phone. Kelly wasn’t sure who, some old friend who lived across the country. Stella was mostly listening and she seemed comforted. At some point they started reminding each other of shared memories and she even smiled a little. It made Kelly feel better, even as he longed to be the one to put a smile on her face.

Someone cleared their throat from behind him. Frowning, he turned and saw Matt. He looked terrible.

“What happened to you?” Kelly asked automatically – as if they were back at the station, as if everything was normal and Kelly was about to tease Mr Home-Before-Midnight about having a hangover.

“Can I talk to you?” Matt asked distractedly, gaze torn between Stella and Kelly. Curiosity overriding the mess of emotions currently associated with his oldest friend, Kelly nodded and followed him to the garden. The Hermanns were out so there were only the sounds of Nature and distant neighbours. It was a nice day – the sun was shining though Kelly couldn’t feel temperatures anymore so he didn’t know if it was hot or not.

Before Kelly could enquire, Matt stated abruptly.

“I saw my dad.” Kelly froze, mouth moving independently from his brain.

“Oh wow, he’s still…?”

“Yeah.” Matt confirmed, looking a little traumatised.

“Did he recognise you?”

“I… I don’t know.” Kelly frowned.

“You didn’t talk to him?”

“I tried but…he was…he wasn’t making a lot of sense.”

“I’m sorry, man.” Matt flicked his eyes up to Kelly’s and seemed to relax a little.

“He said: there was nothing for me there. Which I guess is true.” Heart clenching, Kelly put a hand on Matt’s shoulder. Eyes watering, Matt put a hand over Kelly’s, squeezing. Kelly pulled him into a bear hug and closed his eyes as Matt began to cry quietly.

“I’m sorry.” Matt tried to pull away but Kelly didn’t let him, holding him tight.

“Nothing to apologise for.” Matt sniffed.

“No…I mean, for the fire.” Kelly pulled back slowly, insides spasming as he remembered being crushed, running out of air and realising they were ghosts.

“Don’t.” He said firmly, but Matt didn’t take the hint.

“If I’d listened to Cruz sooner-” Kelly shook his head.

“Case. I am _not_ talking about this. Ever.” Matt closed his mouth, expression still pinched. It broke Kelly’s resolve and he muttered. “If anyone should apologise…it should be me.” Matt looked like he disagreed but didn’t argue, sensing Kelly wasn’t done. Sighing heavily, Kelly thought – Matt deserves to know. “I froze. When Boden was calling the evac, I…couldn’t move.” Matt blinked. “I don’t know exactly why but…anyway, I got myself stuck and you and Cruz…” His throat closed up and he had to look away.

There was pressure on his hand. Kelly started and looked back to see Matt standing closer.

“I don’t know what was going on in your head but it wasn’t your fault.”

“I shouldn’t have gone back on duty. I obviously wasn’t ready.”

“Maybe not, but we’ve all done it.” A shadow passed over Matt’s face. “I don’t blame you.” Kelly gasped; the band over his heart loosening. Matt moved his free hand to the back of Kelly’s neck, squeezing. Closer now, Kelly could make out more details on his friend’s face; the dust and ash covered most of it but some of his pale skin showed. The tiny lines at the side of his eyes were more defined by the dust but his eyes were the same as they’d ever been, bright and piercing. Kelly felt their familiar pull and did what he always did in that situation, looked away.

Not wanting to lose their closeness he pulled Matt back in, suppressing a laugh as their helmets clunked together. Matt huffed and knocked both helmets off, before wrapping his arms around Kelly. Kelly hugged him back, murmuring.

“It’s not your fault either.” Matt stiffened but didn’t move back. Kelly ran a hand up and down Matt’s back and slowly the man relaxed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t save you.”

“I’m sorry I needed saving.” Matt opened his mouth to argue but then seemed to realise the futility. He sighed instead, leaning a little more on Kelly. They stayed like that for a long time.

Eventually, Matt murmured.

“I’m glad _someone_ didn’t shout at me today.”

“Huh?” Kelly questioned, confused. He pulled back to look Matt in the eye. Matt looked a little shifty as he tried to backtrack.

“Nothing, forget I said anything.” Kelly just raised an uncompromising eyebrow, causing Matt to break. “I may have also had a fight with your dad.”

“Benny? About what?”

“Nothing. Look, you two have finally made up-”

“It was about me.”

“He’s just trying to look out for you.”

“What did he say?” Kelly’s eyes laser-focused and Matt shuffled uncomfortably.

“Just that me being here was stopping you from moving on.” Kelly shook his head a little, like trying to dislodge a fly from his nose.

“That makes no sense. I…sometimes I don’t know what I’d do without you.” It was Matt’s turn to look confused.

“But…you’ve got Stella, Boden, April and your mom, you…We haven’t been close since, you know.” Kelly remembered it well. He turned back fully.

“You mean you don’t have my back?”

“What? Of course I do.”

“And if I ask for your help you wouldn’t drop everything and do it?” Matt closed his mouth and narrowed his eyes, getting the man’s point. Kelly’s lips twitched and Matt sighed. Kelly smirked a little before sobering. “I feel better knowing you’re around.”

“Me too. Always have.” Kelly looked back at the house, picturing what Stella was doing. As much as he wanted to stay with her, he didn’t need to – she was being looked after. Then he turned his thoughts back to Matt and what his father had said to him. He loved and cherished this new bond between them, but he couldn’t let his father bully his best friend.

“I don’t want to get between you.” Matt said, obviously reading Kelly’s thoughts from his face.

“You didn’t start anything – at least I assume you didn’t.” Matt shrugged.

“If I did, I don’t know how.” His lips twitched and he said self-deprecatingly. “I don’t think Benny has ever thought much of me.” Kelly frowned. If that was true, how had he missed it? Matt winced. “I’m going to stop talking now. Maybe,” he sighed, “maybe I should take a few days, spend some time with my mom.”

“Only if you want to.”

“I think I do.”

“Okay, well, don’t stray too far. We still don’t know how all this works.”

“How about we meet outside at the firehouse? Two days from now.” Kelly nodded and after taking one last look at the house, went to confront his father.

…

He used the stairs up to his place to think of what he was going to say. Somehow he didn’t think ‘hey Dad, lay off my friend’ was going to cut it. Matt’s comment about Benny not liking him had surprised Kelly. Benny had never been in his life enough to mix with his friends, so he’d never really considered what he thought of them. The idea of Benny disapproving was almost laughable. Kelly wasn’t able to remember any times the two had been in the same room. He knew that it had happened of course, but no occasion had been memorable enough to recall.

By the time he’d reached his door, Kelly had a rough plan. Taking a deep breath, he went in. The living room was empty and eerily quiet. Kelly explored the flat and found his parents in the spare room. His mom was curled on the bed, dried tears on her face. His dad was sitting beside her, leaning against the headboard and looking down. The pain and regret on his face held Kelly in place and for a long time he could only watch them.

Finally, his dad looked up and the shutters came down, his face smoothing out. Kelly looked away and backed out, Benny following. Once in the living room, he started.

“So I saw Matt…” Benny nodded, quickly realising Kelly’s reaction.

“I’m only looking out for you.”

“By telling my best friend that he’s getting in the way of me moving on?”

“Best friend? That’s rich. He let you die Kelly, what kind of friend is he really?” Kelly stared, open-mouthed before he snapped.

“It was me. I’m the reason we’re both dead.” Benny frowned.

“You didn’t get pinned down on purpose.”

“No, but I froze.” Benny stared. Kelly swallowed and went on.

“When Boden called for us to pull out I…I couldn’t move. The chimney came down and Matt _died_ trying to get me out.”

“Oh God, Kelly. That’s not your fault.” Kelly’s jaw ticked and he bit out.

“But it’s Matt’s fault that I died?” Benny sighed.

“Kelly, I can’t help it. You’re my son. I’m always going to be biased when it comes to you.” Eyes narrowing, Kelly fought through the itchy feeling of being exposed by his admission and continued on his mission.

“So it’s nothing to do with the fact that you don’t like him?”

“Did he say that?”

“Dad.”

“Alright, I wasn’t going to say anything since I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, but I never liked the way he got recognition for things you did just as well, if not better.” Kelly blinked. He seemed to have been the least bothered about his career out of everyone he knew.

“Even if that was true, how is Matt to blame?”

“Please, he was a politician wasn’t he? He knows how to butter up the brass.” Kelly barked a laugh at the idea.

“Seriously? Okay, you don’t know him at all! Firstly, he was an Alderman and secondly, he was terrible at it. He earned every promotion, every medal because he is a damned good firefighter.” Benny held up his hands.

“Okay, okay I believe you.” Kelly could tell that he didn’t really, but that wasn’t the real problem.

“Dad, you don’t have to take care of me. I’ve been doing it fine for a long time now…present situation notwithstanding.” Benny’s expression softened.

“I know that, but…I didn’t do it for so long and how we left it before I died. I just wanted to do it right for once.” Softening himself, Kelly wondered briefly if dying had somehow made them more open.

“Dad. I appreciate it, but you can let me go. I’ll be fine.” Benny looked at him intently before stepping back a little. He smiled a smile that Kelly had never seen on him before: he looked content.

“You’re right. I am so proud of you.” Kelly sniffed and suddenly the apartment was engulfed in white light. Kelly staggered back, losing sight of his father. He shielded his eyes until the light dimmed a little. Squinting, he looked up and saw Benny, glowing. The light was in him. The light _was_ him. Benny smiled once more and then Kelly was plunged into darkness.

Breathing heavily, Kelly couldn’t contain his cry of surprise as his eyes adjusted and he saw that his father was gone.


	5. Let Go

Two days of watching his mother try and cope with his death was more than enough for Matt. In contrast to his daydreams as a teenager, he didn’t actually see a lot of his mom once she’d been released. After she’d moved in with her ex-cell mate, they’d had regular phone calls but rarely met up in person. It made Matt revaluate their last real conversation; when his mom told him that he wasn’t like her. Was she separating herself for her own sake or for his?

Watching her now, in the wake of his death, he wasn’t sure if her behaviour was normal or not. She didn’t speak much with her ex-cell mate, though it looked like they had an understanding without the need to talk. Social calls were few and far between but they looked meaningful – a few close neighbours and members of a social group. At night she would cry into her pillow but if her roommate heard she’d come in and hold her. It looked like she had a good support network. That was good.

Matt snorted to himself – like _he_ knew what healthy coping mechanisms were. As ever it was difficult to know exactly what she was thinking. However, he did manage to get a few moments of feeling close to her – when she was looking at old photos. He was disappointed that Christie hadn’t reached out, nor his mom to his sister. Well, it wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Standing at the threshold of his mom’s room, watching her tidying her dresser, he felt a lump in his throat.

“Goodbye, mom.” He whispered. She paused in opening a drawer and he held his breath. The moment passed and she went on without acknowledging his presence. Matt nodded to himself and left.

Although feeling he had achieved some closure, he was feeling down and frustrated as he returned to 51 at the agreed time. He stayed outside, not wanting to find out what shift it was and who was in there. The problem with that, however, was that it left him with his thoughts. Thoughts like, when exactly had his father’s ghost gone insane? How long did he have until it happened to him? Why did some people go on and some stay?

Maybe Benny would be able to point them to some friendly ghosts who would know the answer. Forcibly closing that question for the moment, Matt watched people and cars do by. The bells rang at some point and he caught sight of first shift in the rigs. He let out a breath and then started wondering if he even needed to breathe.

He spent some time holding his breath, counting the seconds. Once he reached 10 minutes with no ill effects, he breathed out. He felt more comfortable ‘breathing’, like he preferred to walk through open doors as opposed to walls.

It was a nice day, the sun was shining brightly and passers-by were wearing light jackets or just sweatshirts. Though he was unable to feel the sun’s heat, he took his helmet off and turned his face up; closing his eyes and pretending to feel it.

Another aspect of this being dead thing was not being able to sleep, at least, as he’d known it before. If he relaxed and quietened his thoughts, he could while away a few hours in a kind of zen state.

“Matt.” Kelly’s voice pulled him back to reality. Opening his eyes, he took a minute to adjust and read his friend’s expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I think.” Kelly sat beside him and told him about his father ‘moving on.’ Matt listened carefully and then offered his two cents.

“It definitely sounds like he did… ‘go on’.” Kelly nodded mutely and Matt worried. Did Kelly need comfort here? It was a happy event but also a little like losing his father for the second (or was it third) time. “You said he accepted you could look after yourself.”

“Yeah. I think that’s it. You have to let go of whatever is keeping you here.” Matt nodded, then paused.

“Wasn’t that the plot of _Casper_?” Kelly raised his eyebrows and Matt hit him playfully on the shoulder. “Hey! I _know_ you’ve watched that movie.”

“Whatever, dork.” They shared a smile.

“But seriously,” Matt continued, “that sounds right.” Kelly blew out a big breath and Matt could read his expression, knowing he was thinking of the people he’d leave behind. Matt would also leave family and friends but in all honesty, he had been feeling only loosely tethered ever since Gabby had moved on. He hadn’t realised how much so until that moment – watching Kelly grapple with the idea and realising that he’d already accepted it. He didn’t feel frustrated or angry at never getting another chance at a family, having given up on that in his darkest days after the divorce.

When had he become so cold? He recognised that he’d been depressed lately but he’d known some of 51 for years; Boden was a father figure to him and the thought of never seeing them again made him feel nothing but resignation? Well, the practical part of his mind provided: it wasn’t like he’d be saying goodbye to Kelly. They’d be going together…wherever it was they were going. Right?

…

So the saying of goodbye began. IT helped that they’d had the funeral and 51 were mostly back at work; seeing their friends pushing down their grief and going on calls probably shouldn’t have been comforting, but it was. Kelly thought about Andy and Shay and what they would have thought about his reaction to their deaths – if they’d hung around. He hoped they hadn’t.

As it was, he was having a hard time letting go of Stella. She was still on bereavement leave and although she received a lot of visits from friends, spent a lot of time alone – visibly grieving. He struggled with the urge to hug her, even knowing that it would only result in an unsettling image.

Meanwhile Matt was battling his guilt over Cruz – watching him go through rehab and therapy with a clenched jaw. As he predicted, Cruz’s own guilt weighed heavily on him and although everyone tried, no one was able to alleviate it. It was so bad that Cruz had even talked about quitting firefighting altogether. Matt just hoped that with time, his despair would lessen and he’d be able to see that he hadn’t failed them – these things happened sometimes.

As the season changed, snow coating the city, finally, Stella turned a corner. She got up and dressed most days and even managed to visit Molly’s. The bar was a little more subdued than normal but the non-firefighter patrons were mostly oblivious to her sorrow and that seemed to make her feel better. Kelly ignored the people moving through him as he stood and studied her. She was listening to Brett and Foster talk about a crazy call; there was a small smile on her face and it hit Kelly then – she was going to be fine. Maybe not that day, but someday. After taking one last glance around at his friends in the bar, he turned and walked into the street.

…

The next day found Matt sitting in Boden’s living room, watching him play with Terrence. It was a weekend and Boden was taking full advantage of it; struggling to navigate a chaotic-looking video game. Terrence, who had grown so much since Matt had last seen him, was at the age where he still thought his dad was the best at everything and Matt didn’t bother hiding his smile at Boden milking that for all he was worth. After about the fiftieth time Boden’s character had died and he’d managed to blame some technicality, Donna came in and insisted Terrence tear himself away from the TV and have a snack. As he bounded obediently off to the kitchen, she came up to Boden.

“You getting any better at that?” Boden huffed a laugh, putting the controller down.

“Nope.” Donna smiled as Boden pulled her in.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll have lots of opportunity to practise when we get snowed in.” Her expression turned concerned as Boden hugged her tightly and only hummed in reply. “Wallace…?” He sighed.

“I love you, Donna.” Matt stood up, uncomfortable seeing the chief and his wife in an intimate moment. As he was leaving though, he heard Donna’s understanding tone.

“Still thinking about your boys?” Matt froze, turning almost involuntarily. He could only see Boden’s profile from where he was, but it was enough to show his grief.

“Yeah.” Boden confirmed heavily. Donna rubbed his back soothingly. “I just keep thinking about those few weeks before the call, if there was something I’d missed, if there was something that was keeping them from being on their top game. Maybe it was too soon for Kelly to come back after Benny’s funeral, maybe Matt was going through something...”

“Wallace, you can torture yourself with this forever and never come up with an answer.”

“It wasn’t their time.”

“I don’t know about any of that, but I can say that wherever they are: they’re together. I didn’t know them as well as you, but I think they’d like that.” Boden considered the thought and nodded. He squeezed Donna’s arm and kissed her on the cheek. Then he stepped back and visibly composed himself. Donna smiled a little and went to the kitchen. Boden glanced at the mantelpiece and following his gaze, Matt was surprised to see a new picture there. It was the same one as on the firehouse walls: him, Kelly and Andy in front of the rig – young and smiling.

Boden swallowed, smiled softly and then walked away towards his family. Matt watched him go, took another look at the picture and then went outside into the snow.

…

Meanwhile, Kelly was visiting Cruz. He’d been putting it off – mainly because of Stella but also because he still felt responsible for mangling his man’s knee and sending him to the shrink. He got to the out-patient centre in the late morning and walked in on a therapy session with the chaplain. Having mostly gotten over his aversion to seeing people at their most vulnerable, he decided to stay; hoping that he’d get good insight into where Cruz’s head was at. If Cruz was recovering, maybe Kelly could let go of his own guilt.

“I just keep replaying it in my head,” Cruz was saying, “what I could have done differently.” He shook his head and forestalled the Chaplain’s interruption by saying. “I know, I know it was an impossible situation, everyone’s been saying it.” He swallowed. “There was something I left out of the report, it’s been eating away at me. I don’t even know what to think about it.”

“That’s alright, Joe. Just tell me what happened.” Cruz took a deep breath and then explained.

“After Tony and Capp left, me and the Captain, we tried again to use the bags to free Severide. It still didn’t work and…before I saw the lever and started trying to lift it, the Captain he…he told me to go too.” Blinking and clearing his throat, Cruz went on. “He said he’d cover Severide with his body and they’d make a last stand.” Kelly’s heart stopped as he stared incredulously at Cruz.

Vivid memories of being crushed slowly by the hot rubble rolled over in his head, drowning out whatever Cruz said next. Kelly choked on air from his mask as he heard voices above him; they were running out of ideas and even through the roar and crackle of flames, Kelly could hear the strain in Mat’s voice. The kind that meant he was working hard to conceal his panic. Things got fuzzy after that but now he went cold as he imagined Matt’s determined but resigned tone as he laid out his suicide plan. The stubborn idiot.

Shivering, Kelly forced himself to return his focus to Cruz and the chaplain. Cruz was holding back sobs and sniffing; he managed to explain. “I know I’d have never been able to drag Casey away, nothing I could have said or done but I still…I still feel angry at myself that I couldn’t…”

“Is some of that anger for Captain Casey?”

“What? I…” Then Cruz thought about it. “A little…He told me to _leave_ them – to let them die! He gave up! What was he thinking? How could he do that?” Kelly mirrored those thoughts until he remembered Matt throwing himself into that elevator shaft while the car was still moving. _I just reacted._ He’d said. Kelly hadn’t been convinced but he’d known better than to push.

He’d been meaning to check in later but then things had happened and he’d never got around to it. His stomach clenched at the thought that Matt had essentially thrown his life away because he’d been going through something, because it had hit him at a weak point and he’d let the darkness win.

“We’ll never know exactly what Casey was thinking,” the chaplain was saying, “but at least part of it was out of love for his brother. I believe they were close.” Cruz nodded, eyes still shining with emotion.

“Best friends, had been for years.” His expression turned thoughtful and Kelly heard Matt’s voice echoing through the years. _You guys are my best friends_. At the time Kelly had been a little bemused but over the hundreds of calls they’d been on together, the risks and late nights and commiserating, encouraging and support; he knew now that it had almost been a promise. Matt had been with him right up until the end…he was still…

Suddenly, he was gripped by the fear that Matt wasn’t there anymore and got up, rushing to Matt’s old apartment.

…

Matt was watching the realtor poking around the kitchen when Kelly called his name.

“Thank God.” He said. “This woman is being so rude about my place.” Kelly stopped short at the opener, looking between Matt and the woman. Matt walked in his direction and Kelly nodded, leading them out.

“I’ve been thinking,” Kelly began, “about letting go in order to move on.” Matt didn’t like the solemnness of Kelly’s tone, the almost careful way he was studying Matt’s face. "About what happens to you and me." His guts cramped as his fear of losing Kelly took hold. This was it. This was when Kelly told him they had to let each other go.

His throat closed up. He couldn’t breathe. Panic welled up in his chest and he choked, staggering from the shock of it. Distantly he was aware of Kelly’s presence, his voice, outside the pressure cooker that was his body.

“Matt!” His name cut through the chaos, followed by weights on his shoulders. Kelly was there. Kelly, his best friend, the one person he could rely on even if they were pissed at each other and fighting. Kelly, who he was going to lose soon. Goddamn that hurt.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Kelly said firmly. Matt just looked up at him, confusion freeing up some brain space from the meltdown. Trying to speak didn’t produce more than weird gargling noises but Kelly must have read the question on his face. “You were babbling. First time I’ve seen that since that redhead picked you up when we were still at the academy. What was her name?” Although the memory rose some heat to his cheeks, Matt felt his body loosening from the distraction.

“Terri.” Kelly huffed a teasing laugh.

“I’ll never forget the look on your face – like she was pointing a gun at you.” Breathing a lot steadier, Matt retorted.

“You guys got in my head! I was just fine once you cleared off.” Kelly nodded disbelievingly but they shared a nostalgic smile.

“But seriously, wherever we’re going next – we’re going together.” Kelly promised. Matt’s heart swelled even as he asked.

“How can you be sure?” Eyes a little wet, Kelly said softly.

“We’re both ghosts, Matt. We don’t have to let go of each other.”

“I don’t think I could.” Matt admitted quietly. Kelly enveloped him in a hug and Matt didn’t even consider protesting it.

“I love you.” Kelly murmured. Surprised, Matt pulled back, searching Kelly’s face. He saw no joke or wild impulse there, only a quiet truth. His fingers tightened on Kelly’s arms reflexively and through the lump in his throat he whispered.

“I love you too.” Kelly’s eyes danced and after a moment he leaned in and pressed their lips together. Warmth spread through Matt like a tropical ocean wave, washing away all the doubts and fears. Deepening the kiss, he shivered with nervousness and love. He felt Kelly grip him tighter and his lips curled into a grin – ruining the kiss.

Before Kelly could complain, however, they were blinded by an intense, white light. They huddled closer together though Matt didn’t feel afraid. Slowly, the light dimmed and Matt heard someone clearing their throat. He turned to see a familiar face and his heart leapt.

“Andy?” Kelly whispered. Andy laughed and crossed his arms.

“Took you two long enough!” Matt choked out a laugh, stepped away a little from Kelly. They held hands, exchanging an impossibly joyous look, before going to join their friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! That's done. Am writing a more light-hearted fic now but I'm going on holiday in the next few weeks so it'll probably take me a while before it's ready.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> :D

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was a lot harder to write than I anticipated but it's done now and I'm just proofreading the rest.  
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!  
> :D


End file.
